On Children and My Intolerance Of Them...

"I don't dislike children, I just don't particularly want to be around with them a lot. Problem is, neither do their parents."

- Bill Maher

I hate children. 

I should point out that I do not hate any specific child - but between them, they have pilfered all of my straws and I find myself now straw-poor. In fact, you might say, I have only one lone straw left.

Yes, I have been known to smile at the naivety of something a child has said and I agree they’re a necessary factor in the continuation of our species… but lord almighty they are they the most annoying, stupid, tactless little monsters the world ever saw. 

By all rights, my hatred of children should not be the problem it is. If it were up to me, I would keep to myself and stay the heck away from them if I could. I am perfectly happy not have anything to do with them. The trouble is, so, it seems, are their parents.

I work in retail. It’s the curse of any struggling student who’s slowly working their way through university, hoping to come out the other side with a ticket to a more interesting (or more economically driven) way of making money. Unfortunately in the interim, while we become qualified to do the more interesting jobs, we tend to get stuck working at cafes and retail outlets. And in my current role, my specific woes all seemed to emanate from the fact that parents just don’t look after their kids(1).

I don’t think there’s been a week that’s gone by this year when I haven’t run after some kid who’s been trying to climb on the displays or picked up a kid who’s run away from the play equipment on the other side of the store and their parents haven’t realised they’ve gone missing. They run around, they scream, they throw things around, and I couldn’t count the number of times I’ve had to stand there while their parents just watch happily, without a single disciplinary word or warning.

I’m not sure whether this is a modern phenomenon or if things were the same a thousand years ago. I know Socrates is supposed to have said, “Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannise their teachers”, but if anything this just reaffirms my reasons for hating them so much. It seems to me that if way back then children were a known problem, they were dealt with accordingly. So tell me why it’s so hard to deal with them today?

I know there are more laws these days that prevent certain less-than-reasonable tactics, but I'm not suggesting we use unreasonable tactics. If parents are aware that kids will be annoying bloody kids, parents need to handle them. If your kid runs off and decides to play “hide and seek” in amongst the clothes racks, you should be right there to retrieve them, not having a chat to a friend you just happened to bump into while some poor teenage shop attendant forced to run after your little monster precious angel, and drag them back to you. If they pick up something in the store and decide they want to hit it against a pole, no, that is not OK. And unless you’re going to buy said object and let them hit it against things once you own it, bloody well tell them it’s not OK. Don’t let them destroy objects that aren't theirs only to deposit them on some random shelf just before you hit the check-outs. Because it’s not you who’s going to have to find it later and write up a report for a broken item – it’s me.

I beg of you, all you parents or even parent-wannabes out there – look after your children so people like me don’t get stuck with them, because one day I may just lose my last straw.

(1) Massive generalisation, I know, but I'm angry so hush.

On the Modern Day Ritual...

"What if I told you insane was working fifty hours a week in some office for fifty years at the end of which they tell you to piss off; ending up in some retirement village hoping to die before suffering the indignity of trying to make it to the toilet on time? Wouldn’t you consider that to be insane?"

- Garland Greene, (Steve Buscemi), Con Air

I would posit that the term “ritual” is most commonly associated religious practice or cult behaviour. It’s something people do in order to actualise the myths they believe in. The Egyptians did it, the Greeks did it, the Christians still do it, and it’s become clear to me that in general, most people will buy into ritual without even realising that they are.

Nowadays it’s a commonly held belief, in western culture especially, that once we've arrived on this planet, and after we've completed orientation, best practise is to then endeavour to make money and, for bonus points, stay out of everyone else’s way as they endeavour to do the same. From the check-out-attendant to the pastor of your local church to the CEOs of this world, everyone is in it for the long haul and all with one aim in mind – making money(1). Whether it be to provide for your family or fund a trip overseas or buy a new car so that you can show-off to your equally superficial neighbours, it’s a simple fact of life (and a catchy song from a 60s musical) that money makes the world go 'round. We go through school (or not, depending(2)), work the same hours for 5-6 days a week and at the end of the day when we’re old and grey, what do we have to show for it? A super fund that might just cover the cost of living out the rest of your life in some retirement home. We do it because we’re trying to manifest the myth that working and sticking to our little box will give us the greatest benefit at the end of the day – money.

And I’m not trying to say that this is inherently wrong or that we should be trying to overthrow the economic system, because I actually don’t think we have a better alternative at the moment. What I am trying to point out is the depressing situation this puts us humans in. However, the more and more I look at other people’s lives and see this ritual progressing from day to day to day to bloody day, I think surely the end does not justify the means. Security and enough money to live on after the money-making years are through cannot be worth the cost of an entire life(3). Life is priceless and we shouldn’t be spending our lives 9 hours a day, 5-6 days a week doing the same thing we’ve been doing for 30 years, fighting for material wealth.

I’m not saying I can fix this problem or I have an alternative – that sort of thing is for individuals to decide for themselves. I’m just saying it's probably beneficial to be aware of what you’re getting yourself into before you find yourself locked into the religion of society.

As for me? I’ll be doing my damnedest to live differently.

(1) Statistically as close to 'everyone' as makes no difference.
(2) Statistically there is a bit less international conformity here - enough to point out the difference.
(3) Statistically probably closer to 40% of a lifetime... although changing the weighting of different years of life may yield alternative metaphorical results